Goal Attainment: What Would You Have to Give Up?
by Kim Olver
In my work coaching people, I find it interesting that many of my clients set very clear intentions for what they want to accomplish. They are passionate about it. They put in the required work for a period of time. And then something happens. Self-sabotage.
Does this sound familiar? Have you ever vowed to lose 10 pounds, speak nicer to your children, stop smoking, save money, pay off credit card debt, or maybe make a weekly date with your life partner? You mean it. You want to do it. You actually do it. And then you slack off?
Do you know why? There is actually evidence in neuroscience that explains why we drift back into old behaviors. Our brain actually wires itself to perform repetitive tasks without conscious effort. If you do something in the same sequence enough times, the neurons that are required to perform this task will automatically fire together in the familiar sequence whenever you are confronted with a similar situation and you aren't vigilantly aware of what your mind subconsciously is programmed to do.
If you are accustomed to eating potato chips whenever you feel stress, then when you aren't paying attention, at the first sign of stress, you may find yourself halfway through a bag of Ruffles before you even realize you're eating.
Our brain is invested in maintaining the status quo. You weigh a certain amount. You aspire to a certain degree of happiness. You make a particular amount of money. Scientists have come to understand that our brains have particular set points, much like the thermostat in your home regulates the heat. Therefore, your brain, your subconscious, can work against you in accomplishing the conscious goals you set.
How is it some people are successful in pushing past their set points? There are several ways to do it. One is to maintain a constant vigil of consciousness to your every move. This is extremely exhausting but it can be done with great determination. Other ways include hypnosis or various energy psychology techniques, such as EMDR or EFT.
Another way is to bring whatever is subconsciously sabotaging you out into the light where you can consciously deal with it. In my work with coaching clients, I have found this to be a very effective question at getting to the root of the unconscious sabotage. Ask your client, "What would you have to give up to get what you want"? I'm not talking about the obvious, e.g. in order to lose weight, a person would have to give up chocolate and free time to exercise. I'm talking about really digging deep.
I asked a woman once what she would have to give up to lose the weight she wants and she looks at me dumbfounded and said, "My husband." Upon further exploration, she subconsciously believed that if she got healthy enough emotionally to lose the weight she carried, then she would move beyond where her husband was and they would no longer be compatible.
Another woman I was working with was having difficulty breaking through her income barrier. She had her own business and just couldn't move past the $50,000 mark. When I asked her what she would have to give up to be the successful business woman she truly wanted to be, she said she would lose her father's love and approval. Her subconscious belief was that her father would love and approve of her as long as she wasn't any more successful than he had been.
A final example was a man I was working with to develop his own coaching business. He had the skills, abilities and resources but just wasn't making progress. When I asked him the question, what would he have to give up to leave his job and go out on his own, his answer was his dream. He was worried that if his dream wasn't successful, then he would have nothing left. Better to have the dream intact than fail at the one thing he truly wanted.
So, this year, ask yourself this tough question. When you get the deepest answer you can find, examine it closely in the light of day. Is it valid? Is it important? Is it worth sacrificing your goal for? Only you can answer these questions but you'll never even get to these questions unless you do some digging and get to that subconscious sabotage that often lurks in the background waiting to derail your forward progress. Don't let it happen again this year. Take control and make conscious, intentional decisions.
Kim Olver may be contacted at http://www.kimolver.com firstname.lastname@example.org
Kim Olver is a life and relationship coach. Her mission is to help people get along better with the important people in their lives, including themselves. She teaches people how to live from the inside out by empowering them to focus on the things they can change. She in an internationally recognized speaker, having worked in Australia, Europe and Africa, as well as all over the United States and Canada. She is the creator of the new, revolutionary process called, Inside Out Empowerment based on Dr. William Glasser's Choice Theory. She is a public speaker and provides workshops in the areas of relationships, parenting, and a variety of self-growth topics. She is the author of Leveraging Diversity at Work and the forthcoming book, Secrets of Successful Relationships. She co-authored a book with Ken Blanchard, Les Brown, Mark Victor Hansen and Byron Katie, entitled 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life. She works with individuals, couples, parents, social service agencies, schools, corporations and the military--anyone who will benefit from gaining more effective control over their lives. She has consulted on relationships, parenting, self-development, training, leadership development, diversity, treatment programs and management styles.